Spring Cleaning

I don't know about everyone else, but I love this time of year.  The time when the flowers start to bloom, the weather is not freezing out all day, and when your internal clock tells you to wake up, get off the couch, and get back into life.  It is almost like a dethawing after a long winter, and suddenly, life feels exciting and vibrant again.  I feel like each year I get to these few weeks and am totally re-invigorated and motivated all over again.

Usually for me this means a combination of reclaiming my "grown-up" responsibilities and Spring Cleaning.  I think it all starts with the warm weather which makes me crave salads.  And then once I eat a salad or two I am all energized fromt he healthy food and get on a roll.  . . . Then, once you add in the sunshine, I am reminded of the fact that I am an adult and I need to do the dishes, change the laundry, and help with meals at least occasionally.  My wonderful husband picks up the slack all Winter, as I tend to hibernate on the couch, but by Springtime I am kicking my own butt to get back in gear to be a better roomate and homemaker.  Then, once I get on a roll with that, I want to redecorate and reorganize our living space, which usually means Spring Cleaning.  I find that once I start going I can't stop, which can be dangerous in and of itself, because I get on kicks where purging old stuff becomes like a drug -- I almost get high off of letting go of so much physical junk. 

Its this wonderful time of year when anything seems possible.  I can get back in shape, I can read more, I can be a better homemaker and wife, I can eat better, I can paint more . . . . its like once the Spring comes around there are so many more hours in the day!

Given all that is going on with my husband's and my respective jobs, I haven't full hit my "Spring is Here" stride but I am getting there.  Over Easter weekend we planted our little garden and used some of the last of our wedding registry money to buy cute table decorations for a fun Easter lunch with friends.  Last week, I managed to drag myself to a 6am yoga class when a friend of mine was teaching, and inspite of my preconceptions, found I love yoga that early!  I also went to a back-bending yoga workshop this past Sunday, which was very fun.  We also got a bread maker this weekend (at the suggestion of my friends from twodc.blogspot.com) and that has been great!  I don't think we will ever buy bread from the grocery store again.  My husband and I have started to purge out some junk from our little apartment, but have been doing it in small pieces.  As our apartment is up for sale, we have had untold number of strangers trapesing through at all hours of the day to view it, which doesn't lead easily towards deconstructing the entire closet!  (which makes me grumpy - but that's another post.) But it has lead to daily efforts to tidy up, do the dishes, make the bed etc., just so the place looks respectible.  Which is definitely progress in our household.  I even did some laundry on my own this weekend . . . .

Lastly, Spring has started off with some wonderful news -- The best man from our wedding recently got married to the most amazing girl.  We just found out this weekend and it couldn't make me any happier (I was literally giddy all day Friday from the neww!!)  We are so lucky to know each of them and to have them in our lives and are ecstatic that they have found each other.  I couldn't think of two people who deserved to find real love more. Congratulations!!

I hope the joy of Spring is finding each of you, and touching you in your hearts and in your homes.

Namaste,
Clare

I fell off the bandwagon . . .

So, I am a bad blogger.  Bad, bad blogger.  I am sorry.  I will put myself in the time out corner (want me to go now?).


Ok, so, basically a lot has happened in the last month, and between not knowing what to say and not knowing how I feel, I have been hiding.  (Side note:  My ostrich skills are really, really fine tuned these days!) I don't even know where to start. . . the long and the short of it is that Brad and I declared that we wanted major changes in our life and then the universe gave us major changes.  Its complicated and more than I care to get into (hence why I have been AWOL for a month) but basically we know that, in the long run, DC isn't the place for us.  So we are "making moves" to move to Minnesota. 

I have never been to a psychic before but a good friend's psychic made a prediction that she shared with me and it is kind of freaking me out -- in a good way.  The psychic made the prediction for the whole world, and she said that between November 2009 and August 2010 there would be major changes for everyone on the planet because the cardinal planets were aligned in this very special way that had never happened before.  I wish I had saved the email with the prediction, because in paraphrasing her prediction it of course sounds like a generic horoscope that could apply to anyone and is hookie and stupid, but basically she said the changes would involve people's jobs and the places they lived.  She mentioned in her prediction, for example, all of the earthquakes that have happened recently.  Anyway, I am failing at making it sound good - but it was - and I kind of tucked it away in the back of my mind, and then boom - all this stuff is happening.   The psychic said that major change this year was inevitable, and that those who resist the flow of change would suffer greatly while those who accept it and go with it would find new opportunities and tremendous success.  Like I said, I've never been to a psychic before, so this is not my usual source of wisdom.  But something in her words jumped out at me as the inevitable truth . . . and over the past few months, they seem to have manifested themselves in the lives of my friends and family and the world at large pretty accurately.  So maybe she really is psychic??

Anyway, psychic or not, I am not sure what life is bringing to me right now, and in spite of the anxiety that I normally have, I am really joyful about where I am and where I am going - giddy like a school girl to be more exact.  Lets face it, I just took a job with a big pay cut, Brad's job is up in the air, and our Landlord is most likely in foreclosure (oops, I guess that was pretty much a spoiler alert because I said earlier I couldn't handle talking about everything just two paragraphs ago) but despite all these unknowns I am stoked (I couldn't think of a less 1990's word - sorry) to plant my garden this weekend.  Its not just that I am living in the present so I am not worrying about the future . . . it feels more like because I have articulated where I want to go, I am finally able to get really pumped about the ride there.   Almost like, it's not just about knowing where you are going though . . . its about believing that you will get there. . .   I am not sure what caused a shift in my belief system, but something has shifted in me; and if feels like because I know my destination and I believe the journey will get me there, that possibilities are opening up to me.  I find myself more energetic in my heart that I have been since last October when I was doing the 40 Day Revolution.  Weird, right? 

In any case.  That's the nitty gritty on where we are -- where I am -- right now.  Again, my apologies for being MIA this past month.  What is going on with everyone? Has 2010 been a year of major change thus far for you as well?  Flood my inbox with scolding comments and emails if I go MIA like that again?

Namaste,
~Clare

Ok, So No to the Olympics

So okay, I guess upon further consideration I do not want to be an Olympic athlete.  My loving friends and family have reminded me that I really don't want to sacrifice my entire life for any one thing like those kind of athletes have to, and as Victoria pointed out, I don't really want to have peaked in my career already.  I mean, think of all of the parts of one's childhood you have to miss to be an Olympic athlete?!  I heard this story about an Australian skiier who lives and trains in Utah.  She is getting married this year but her parents couldn't afford to go to both the Olympics and her wedding because the airfare was too much, so they were missing seeing her in the Olympics.  How heartbreaking is that?! "Honey we love you but you have to choose one or the other?  Do you want us to be there for the biggest moment in your personal life or the biggest moment in your professional life?"  That would suck.  Turns out her Brother, who is her trainer, smuggled her parents into the Olympics as a suprise, so they got to go to both events, but still.  I don't want to have to give up things like having my parents at my wedding or having my parents at the Olympics.

But I do still contend that having the sort of clarity about your life's direction that those sort of lifetime athletes have would be nice.  I mean, imagine, if you woke up and could do exactly what you wanted and were good at it.  If you knew in your core what you were good at, what you should be doing with your life, and you could just go and pursue that without any fear or doubt or anxiety about whether or not you were "doing the right thing."  Wouldn't that sort of certainty be freeing? My Brother and I got into a long discussion about the book "The Giver" when I made a comment that it sure would be nice if there was one wise old sage you could go to who could divine what your highest and best use was, because then you wouldn't have to flounder in the sea of uncertainty.  This lead to a long discussion about whether or not there is anybody who really wants to clean toilets - maybe that's what they are best at, but would they like to do it?  Sigh.  I told him "The Giver" might tell him he is best at arguing . . . but he may be right. 

Maybe this is terribly anti-feminine of me but I think I'd like that kind of rescuing.  I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have someone come in and fix things with their magic fairy wand (or whatever) for you?  A knight in shinning armor or something of that sort?  A wonderful Disney-esque character who would swoop into my life, brush me off, straighten me up, maybe fix up my wardrobe in a "What Not to Wear" fashion, and plop me down into the right career?  Funny thing is, I don't really worry too much about the house, kids, cars, pets, etc. etc.  I can be all independent woman and manage that part of my life.  I don't need the fairy God-person to help me with that.  Just the job.  Just the confirmation of my direction and purpose in life.  That's where I feel like my life is out of whack and I am not sure I know how to get where I want to be without the aide of fairy dust.  I know I have so many talents and skills and I feel like I am squandering them a bit at the moment.  But I don't totally know what/where said fairy God-person would drop me off . . .

So I am not being very helpful - like a petulent child I can tell you a bunch of things I don't like but not what I do like.  Helpful.  Anyway, rest assured, on the list of what I don't want to be when I grow up, you can add Olympic athlete.  Also janitor.  Pretty sure that's not for me either . . . .

Anyone know any fairy God-people?

Namaste,
~Clare

Olympic Potential

Do you remember when the Winter and Summer Olympics were held in the same season?  It feels like that was so long ago . . . My family was always really into watching the Olympics together - with Dominoes pizza and glasses of milk in the basement of our houses.  Goodness I feel old!

My Dad tells this story about how one year, while watching the Olympics with the family, I jumped up on the couch and asked my Dad, "Daddy, what is my talent?"  He claims that I was watching the Summer gymnastics but I remember it being watching Kristi Yamaguchi. Regardless, I would watch the Olympics as a child and long to be as good at something as any of the athletes were at their respective sports.  I wanted to be good at one identifiable thing.  It almost didn't matter to me what that thing was, I just wanted to be clear on what my talent was, and I suppose as any kid, being an athlete seemed like the obvious answer.  I tried my hand as a kid at both gymnastics and ice skating, but I am not really a hard core athlete, so that didn't really work out. I tried field hockey and softball and volleyball in junior high, but still no luck.  I struggled because I wanted so badly to be good at something - anything!  I just wanted to be able to complete the phrase "I am a _____" and I could never figure out what that blank was, or could be, in my life.


I don't think that yearning to be clear on what I was good at has ever ended in my life.  To this day, the most stinging insult I have ever been dealt came my Sophomore year of college when my roomate Ali told me I was "a jack of all trades."  I was trying to decide what my major was, and lacking a clear focus, Ali called it like she saw it.  She was right and I think that's why the comment hurt so much.  I didn't even really know what I wanted to study in school.   Lacking a clear direction or passion I wanted to be a bit of everything -- what I have ended up was a little bit of everything and not a lot of any one thing.  Although, I have to say, I'm really fun at cocktail parties because I know a little bit about a lot of things and can pretty much talk to anyone about something. 

So I am not a great athlete.  I was a good student but not a great student.  I am a good employee but not a driven employee. I am a sort of perpetually coming in just under greatness -- maybe greatness is too big of a word -- its more like mediocrity.  I feel like I am not making a major contribution in any one field or genre.  I am just sort of schlepping through the middle.  I have lots of guilt about this.  I think it has always made me feel sort of purposeless, superfluous even.  Like what exactly is the point of my existence?  Does the world really need more mediocre?

So that's what I am thinking about tonight as I watch the Olympics tonight.  As I watch these amazing athletes make their respective sports look so easy its almost hard to believe that not everyone can do it!! As always, these athletes remind me of what I cannot do -- and -- I suppose -- of what I can . . .

Namaste,
~Clare

February - Ostrich Time

I guess first I should apologize to my readers for going a bit MIA.  My goal had been to blog two-three times a week but we can see already in month one I have failed that.  Oopsie.  Sorry.  February has been a weird month.  Work was turned a bit on its head with the whole office move and then there was no work for me, so I had to shift and doing work for our Dallas office, and then we had (for those of you who have been living under a rock and have missed it) two weeks of snow storms/blizzards/being generally smacked around by Old Man Winter in the form of - pick your favorite - Snowpocalpyse, Snowmagadden, SnOMG, Snoverkill, or Snotorious b.I.g.  Its been nuts.


All this snow, and the accompanying "snow days" (who doesn't love getting paid to not go to work and to stay home?) has given me some time to reflect. Or not reflect.  Or reflect and then get freaked out by all the reflecting I was doing and hide in the depths of the sanctuary that is HGTV "House Hunters".  Guess which one I picked?  There is just so much swirling on inside my head I can't take it.  I know, I know, its been like this for months now.  I blogged about this same stuff months ago, back when I was doing the 40 Days.  But seriously . . . Do I want a new job? Do I want to move? Would that move be to Minnesota? Can I commit to staying in the DC Area for the next few years?  Do I want to have a kid(s)?  Do we want a dog? Do I want to buy a house?  Am I ready to buy a house?  What am I doing with my life . . . . ahhh.  There is just too much!

So I have been nibbling away at some of these thoughts, gritting my teeth and doing the best I can, but really I have been hiding from it all.  I just can't take it.  There is so much in play and the economy being in the dumper makes me feel trapped.  Like I couldn't change jobs if I wanted too.  And as the biological clock ticks away I feel like I am running out of time to have kids - even though I am not sure I want them.  Ugh.  So basically I feel like I am cornered and racing an imaginary clock and its not even like I have a clear plan of what I want to do.  So its a bit stupid I realize to feel cornered and trapped when you don't have a plan, but that's how I feel.


I know i just need to figure out what my priorities are right now.  But how do you do that?  What do I really want?  How do I figure that out without getting all overwhelmed by each and every step that any of these possible life-altering decisions would entail?  So I've basically decided to become an ostrich - stick my head in the ground and wait until all the bad stuff goes away.  Which is not really a helpful strategy for life I don't think.  But I really don't know how ones goes about finding out what your true priorities are.  I think that's my mission but I'd really appreciate being debriefed on how I am to accomplish it. 


I think half of the reason for my overwhelmedness (yes, I know that's not a word) is that I feel a bit like I have ostrichized (yes, I know, that isn't either) the past few years of my life.  I am not trying to be all Debbie Downer and have tons of regrets.  But lets be real.  I am almost 5 years out of college - a college I worked my tail off to get into.  I worked reasonably hard to do well there.  I didn't have too much of a party life, in fact I started to wear it as a badge of honor that my school didn't really embrace the "college" lifestyle, and I was a giant dork and studied.  I graduated in the middle of the pack of my graduating class but it was a Tier 1 school, so surely people would want me, right?  Well, maybe I screwed up in the applying for jobs process, but the long and the short of it is that I never really dangled myself out there for someone to want me.  I ended up as a paralegal in the real estate department of a law firm by chance.  I don't mean to be unthankful for that job and that opportunity, because it was a job with a great group of people, but it wasn't exactly what I had planned.  But somehow I never got back to the job hunt and I never got back on the course that I guess I had imagined I would be on (Sidenote:  I am note sure that I knew then, and clearly I don't know now, what the course would've been for me.  So I am missing something but I don't know what it is.)  And here I am, five years later, not much farther along in understanding where I am going or what "the plan" is for me and my new life.


So I am here, overwhelmed, confused, and feeling a bit sad that I have "wasted" some of the last five years of my life.  I am not sure how to turn what I have been doing into a positive and into a direction that I am happy with.  So I hide.  I hide in the blissful denial of reality and home-improvement television.  I am not sure what to do next. 


That's the honest truth of what I have been not posting the last 3 weeks . . . so there - it's all hanging out. 

Namaste,
~Clare

Out of the Loop

My sister says I should just blog about whatever is on my mind of late - so I have this to share - because it is on my mind right now --  I am old!  I know I am not really old, if we are just going by calendar years I suppose.  But I am watching the Grammy's tonight and it is reminding me that I am no longer "in the loop."  I don't know half of the people who are up on stage either presenting or receiving awards, I don't know the songs, and I think that half of the clothing choices are "eccentric" at best.  Wow.  I don't know that I was ever "in the loop" - lets be honest I wasn't the most popular kid growing up - but I certainly feel out of it now.  I feel like a crazy old person because I want to say things like "this sounds like monkeys in a zoo" or "kids these days" which would be inappropriate, I know, but I still have this knee jerk reaction and want to say them.  I just don't know what's current anymore.  Case in point to demonstrate how out of things I am nowadays, this is the a gchat conversation that I had with my father-by-marriage (Chuck) tonight over the Zac Brown band's performance at the Grammy's:


me:   . . . Is this the "chicken song" btw? 
Chuck:  No it isn't.  I never heard this song.

me:  I like "toes in the water" better

Chuck:  Yes.  They did the same thing at the American Music Awards playing another song. . .

Now this is the chicken song!!

 me:  I've never heard it but I like it . . .

do you think he [the lead singer of the band] is cold and that's why he needs to wear a hat?

 Chuck:  The name is "Chicken Fried" and the toboggan knit hat is like a trademark of his.

 

He might have well said *snap* because a) its clear I barely know who the Zac Brown band is and only know one song of theirs, which is clearly not their most popular song and b) that I don't even know the signature look of this band.  This is the man that is the father of my husband.  I feel ashamed.  Like I should go stick my tail between my legs and run away because clearly, I have no grounds to stand on anymore.  And this is but one example . . . 

I know that much of my younger life was sheltered because I was raised in Europe or "with European values" (aka my parents were overly strict and protective), which explains why I've never seen an entire episode of "90210" or the fact that since I didn't have cable for much of my life why when people discuss "The Real World" my eyes just gloss over.  But come on now, folks, I am well into my mid-20's and listen to Satellite Radio and read People.com fairly regularly and watch the Captivate Network and whatnot.  I mean, I knew about OctoMom, and John and Kate Plus Disaster, and all of that type of nonsense.  So why is it that I am clearly so oblivious to all of these music stars and their music?  Someone remind me to blog more about this at a later date because for now its bedtime but I really am lacking here in my pop culture references . . . . In the meantime, I am going to huff off to bed aggravated that the Grammy's are presenting MJ's song in 3D -- who has 3D glasses in their home anyway?  Gah - is this another "cool" thing that I am out of the loop on??

 

A Lot of Thoughts

Apologies in advance for my delinquency in posting -- my office has been moving this past week and it has been a time consuming process!  I am the only "staff" member in the office that isn't a secretary, ergo I am the only "staff" member that didn't have a bunch of attorneys assigned to her whose offices I would have to clean up, pack up, and move out, ergo I volunteered/was put in charge of cleaning up, packing up, and moving out all of the common areas -- the copy center, the supply closet, and the kitchens.  I have spent the better part of an entire week on my feet - working 12-14 hour days some days -- needless to say my feet are sore and I am fairly exhausted.

In any case, the whole process is causing me to have mixed emotions.  I have been really busy with work but I have also been, honestly, hesitant to post, because I haven't really flushed through everything I am thinking.  So, because I have committed to being unfiltered and honest on this blog, I am just going to throw it all out there, and maybe I can continue to work through, aloud with you all, these sentiments. . .

-- I am proud of how I stepped up to the plate to offer to help get the office packed up.  I saw a need and the part of me that really believes in team spirit, without a second thought, stepped up to the plate to fill a need where one existed. I have been profusely thanked throughout the week for stepping up with the move, which at first confused me, because it was automatic to me.  I have been almost sad that people didn't expect as much from me (from everyone in the office?  hey, wait, why didn't they get more aggravated by people who left and went home early? why did they go home before the job was done . . . this lack of cooperation and group effort saddens me)

-- I have been encouraged by the skill set of mine that has emerged in this process.  My confidence has been reinvigorated by how good I am, and how happy I am, with project management.  I am a good worker bee; I am good at identifying others' skill sets; I am good at delegating tasks to people based on their skill set; I am organized; and first and foremost, I am a team player.  I have felt very disjointed and estranged from much of my office dynamics and many of my coworkers, despite the fact that I have been there for almost three years, and this past week or so has really reminded me how integral being a part of a team is to my success and happiness.  But this past week or so I have been genuinely proud of myself and what I can accomplish.  I have been proud of my attitude and my initiative and my work ethic. 

-- That being said, this process has reminded me that my current job situation is not necessarily the best fit for me.  Not to channel OJ too much, but the glove kinda sorta doesn't fir.  And while that lets me off the hook a bit, it is not totally clear one way or another what the next road is, or where my path is going.

--  So I don't know what this whole shift in me really means.  The word that I have been channeling over the last week or so is "priority."  I am not sure what my priorities are these days.  Are they family (kids perhaps?), are they finding a career, or at least a different job, are they finding a new place to live?  Is that place local or somewhere else?  Do I stay or do I go?   I feel like I really need to meditate some on what the priorities are in my life right now. 

-- "Shift happens" -- I saw that on a bumper sticker recently and really liked it.  Change is perhaps the only constant in life.  I don't know what changes are in store for me.  But all the purging and sorting of stuff in the anticipation of the move has both depressed and energized me.  I always find the actual process of moving a bit sad.  You realize the junk you have accumulated in your life.  You dig up memories - sometimes from better, happier places.  You realize the things that you did in your life that you are proud of, sometimes, perhaps, things you wish were still a part of your life.  It is, going through your hidden closets and corners is really the process of releasing old dreams.  There is satisfaction in letting go but it is not quite joy yet.  Sometimes though, moving is energizing.  There is untold potential in the new and unknown.  There are possibilities that have not even been thought of yet; dreams that are just beginning.  I have been osculating back and forth between these two extremes all week.  I am sad about where my career and job used to be and excited for the possibilities of my new opportunities in our new space.

-- I haven't been going to yoga, and while I know that my practice always helps me find emotional and mental clarity, I have been remarkably un-guilt ridden by lack of attendance lately.  I may not know what my "P"riorties are in life these days, but I am much more at peace with my daily decisions - whether they be sitting on the couch watching stupid TV, working long hours, or befriending the sometimes difficult Office Manager because she is the one who will let me single-handily organize the kitchen the way I want and have that project management role which is currently so invigorating to me.  I do however, want to pay attention to the involvement of my ego in my self worth . . . lets be honest, I do like feeling needed and important.  And I don't want my ego to get in the way of all this discovering of my true self. . . or maybe that is my true self?  Is that a possibility?

2010 is certainly shaping up to be an important year at least emotionally . . . I knew that starting the year with a blue moon was auspicious!!   I don't have very many answers yet, and I am still weeding through a certain mine-field of emotions, but things are shifting and changing and moving and shaking and I know that more is yet to come . . .

Namaste,
~Clare

Getting Into It

My Mom has a saying "if you can't get out of it, get into it" and that is exactly what I have been doing lately.  It may not be the healthiest for me but I have been embracing my recent bout of lethargy.  I figure if fighting it isn't making it go away maybe coddling it will.  Brad and I had a nice relaxing weekend.  We started some projects - laundry, picking up the house, putting up the Christmas decorations (yes, they are still up) - but mostly we did nothing.  We watched TV, rented a movie, and just spent time with each other.  It was nice and lazy - and I liked it.

It was all fine and good when I was doing the 40 Days to rely on the schedule that Baron set for me -- I was committed to this activity and it had a set duration and time -- but now that the 40 Days is over I have to find a schedule that works for me.  I don't want to use the word crutch, because that's not it, but the 40 days was a *insert a word not the word crutch here* for me because it was my reason for how I was going through each day.  It was the motivating force behind the scheduling of my day and my life - and now its gone and over and I have to find motivation from something else.

So I have decided that while embracing my passion for realty television is not spiritually very profound or particularly helpful to increasing my athletic abilities I am going to embrace it because it is, I believe, my swinging to the other side of the pendulum.  I am going from a crazy busy over-ambitious schedule  to an admittedly pathetically non-schedule schedule -- and in a funny way, I am getting to the point where I don't feel badly about it because I know that it means I am getting closer and closer to recognizing what a balanced center is.  So I am getting into all of these things that I have been beating myself up about for the last month about getting into it and maybe that will help me get out of this slump and into a better, more even-keeled place.

Ok, off to watch my TiVoed episode of the Biggest Loser :)

Namaste,
~Clare

Inertia

Funny thing about energy is that is that it's lot like money --  it takes energy to make energy, and no one ever has as much energy as they want. I have been feeling particularly inert this week.  Not wanting to really move off of the couch, despite the fact that there is nothing on TV to watch, I have come home from work the last two days utterly exhausted and wanting nothing more than the quiet respite of my bed.   

I never really know how to get over these period of inertia; they are part fatigue -- part apathy -- part something else I can't quite explain.  I am sure I could rest more, eat better, exercise more, etc. etc. but really, who has the energy to even try to be healthy, even if doing so would make you feel better?  This particular but of inertia I think is a direct result of the season and the Season, i.e. the Holidays and the winter.  Lets be honest, no matter how much I prepare for the Holidays, they are always an emotional whirlwind.  Whether it is the year end crunch at work, or family members stressing you out, or the packing to visit said family members, or the shopping and gift-exchanging with these family members . . . . (or friends - I suppose some people have friends that cause them stress.  Personally, if you are not related to me you do not get the privilege of making my stressed out.  Sorry!) . . . in any case it is emotionally draining and physically exhausting marathon of days between mid-November to mid-January.  Couple that with the fact that this Holiday season is always in the darkest part of Winter -- a time when one's body is already depleted of its much needed energizing Vitamin D -- and  you have my present state of inertia.    I feel otherwise lost adrift . . . displaced for my usual regimen and my calendar newly empty after weeks of planned events.  I think the boundlessness of everything is part of the problem -- if nothing urgently calls you in a particular direction, inertia keeps you where you are.

I suppose the holistic approach would be to honor that my body is taking time to decompress and reboot; to accept where I am and that I need some down time.  But every year I feel like I fight this phase, or I have the need to give lip service to the fight.  In my heart I want to fight it.  I want to spring into the New Year with vigor and stamina and conquer the world.   I do not like thinking that I need to emotionally recharge from a (truth be told) fairly painless Holiday.   I do not like falling asleep at 9pm.  And I mostly do not like that I can barely muster the strength to vent about such inertia on a blog post.  Truth be told though, this week I would rather sit in a blob of nothingness and watch a million episodes of "House Hunters" or some other rubbish on TV, while drifting in and out of consciousness, than pretty much anything else.  And I don't know if I buy it -- is this inertia really a "shutting down" from last year's overexertion, or is it a "rebooting" in an attempt to prepare for this year?  Or is that the same thing?  And is this whole mental exercise the kind of twisted logic and thinking that is sending my mind and body into a state where they are hiding under the proverbial rock?  Am I secretly hoping that if I act like an ostrich, and keep my head in the sand long enough, I will neither have to deal with the leftovers from last year, nor really have time to "prepare" for this year -- I will just have to run full steam ahead without forethought or preparation? 

I am not sure there is a point to this post.  It is more a confession out loud that I do not know where I will find the energy to get myself re-energized because this is certainly a phase that will have to pass eventually.  When, and where, will the energy come from to allow me to recommit in the New Year to all of the good things that I was doing in the old year; to brush off the cobwebs of my sleepy, sun-deprived mind and get back into work and life; and to wake up enough to enjoy the quietness of these remaining weeks of winter, before the frantic chaos of spring cleaning rolls around?  I do not know.

So, at least for night, I am surrendering to this inertia and am going to go see what's on TV.

Namaste,
~Clare

On There's No Place Like Home Post the Holidays

I know this is probably not a popular viewpoint, but I really dislike the Holidays.  Not all of the Holidays, I like the traditions, the good food, and (most of the time) the family.  But what I really don't like about the Holidays is how it throws off my schedule.  Now, not to sound too rigid, but I like my schedule.  I guess it makes me feel like there is some order and reason in an otherwise chaotic world.  Its not that I mind if my schedule changes even; I am not married to my regime on any particular day.  What I find stressful about the Holidays is the way in which for weeks before and weeks after Christmas and New Years life cannot easily return to "normal".  Now don't start lecturing me about how there is no such thing as 'normal' outside cycles on washing machines or what have you . . . I am simply saying that in preparation for the Holidays I spend my weekends shopping and prepping and packing, and after the Holidays I spend weekends trying to relax again and get over the fatigue.  Not to mention that the Holidays fall right in the middle of Winter which is already a tough season given the lack of sunlight, the cold, and the general sleepiness of society because really, lets face it, Mother Nature would really prefer that we all be inside sleeping and hibernating.  Here we are on January 10th and I am just beginning to shake my post-Holiday fatigue.

I think part of the fatigue, besides coming from all the shopping, wrapping, traveling, partying, eating, family-ing, and traveling home again, comes from the emotionality of the Holidays.  Every year I get better at managing my emotions, but every year I am struck by how my family and the "traditions" of the season can send me back into an emotional tailspin.  I find that while I am not necessarily spinning out of control - I am not going to necessarily end up on Springer (or Tyra I suppose for a more modern reference) for any of my behavior during the Holidays - I am also not nearly as composed during the Holidays as I am during the rest of the year.  Perhaps it is the influence of family that causes me to revert to past childish behaviors.  Or perhaps it is the expectations that our society puts on the act of gift giving, and the impossible expectations that we bestow to such an act.  In any case I always find myself drained, sad and exhausted.

I really want to like the Holidays.  It would, I suppose, be the more PC thing to do.  I suppose it would mean that I am really connecting to the spirit of the Holidays; that I was above the fray of any family drama; that I lived without expectations of gifts or illusions that my family could "really know" what I "really wanted".   But I just don't.  I begrudge the fact that I don't have any resolutions, that I am materialistic and want gifts, and that I let my family make me crazy.

And mostly I get aggravated because every year I get thrown out of my routine and I lose my sense of balance.  I lose my routine, my calm, and my rhythm.  Its silly I know.  But I have been MIA for the last few weeks because I feel like somehow my time is constantly evaporating as a direct result of the Holidays.  Its illogical.  But I want to regain my balance.  I want to regain my sense of control over my life.  I want to regain my peace and space.  I suppose these things shouldn't be so fleeting as to be able to be compromised by the chaos of the Holidays, but they have been.  I spent this weekend just vegging with Brad and it was great.  I was, as my brother says "a complete waste of oxygen" but it was nice.  Nice to somehow reconnect to each other and our priorities.  We didn't accomplish anything per say - except watching a ridiculous amount of TV - but it felt like we were slowly regaining our energy and our mojo to do whatever it was we wanted with our time and our emotions.  That we were getting back into our rhythm again  - and that was nice.