What's in a name?

So everyone is asking me about what baby names we have picked -- and honestly, we have 6 months -- we haven't even gotten our brains there yet.  We had always discussed that we wanted a "normal" name but nothing too common (i.e. something between a Sarah and Apple) but that was about it.  But this has gotten me thinking about the whole last name situation . . . .

I never took Brad's last name when we got married.  At the time it seemed like I was giving up my identity.  I have a large family and we are very close (although in fairness I am not especially close with my Father, whose last name I inherited) But still it was part of my identity.  Brad comes from a small family and while their is more history to his last name, they are not a particularly close knit clan.  Besides all of the traditional feminist reasons of being an independent woman and not wanting to be my husband's property, I just couldn't see myself giving up my identity and my family name to be replaced with a moniker that wasn't particularly important to those people who already had it.  I didn't want to abandon my siblings either -- although now my Sister has gone and married and taken her husband's name -- as has my Mother.  So the women in the family all have different last names now. 

And now that I am preggo, in addition to thinking about the kid's first name, I find myself pondering the kid's last name.  I assume it will be Brad's last name, but I think it will bother me a bit to not have the child be identified in part as my own too.  So then, do I change my name?  I could go the route of hyphenating the kid's name, but then what happens if they want to marry someone with a hyphenated last name?  We seem to be setting our kids up for a law firm like merger where names become items to barter and pawns of the acquisition.  Plus, we are fairly certain if we have a boy baby, he will be named after Brad's Grandfather "John Allen" and have a double first name and then a double last name would be too much!

Perhaps it is all in my head, but the gravity of this decision is weighing on me.  A lot of my identity has come from my name, and any decision to alter my identity, or more significantly, shaping a new child's identity, I feel cannot be taken lightly.  But, as usual, my propensity to negotiate has me talking myself into and out of corners right, left and center . . . So round and round I go.  Like a Merry-Go-Round.  Where I will stop, nobody knows!

I suppose I should get back to work though
Namaste,
~Clare

Secret Club

So I have started to tell more and more people about my little pregnancy "secret" which has come with its own onslaught of emotions.  It has been really interesting to watch the different reactions from those I've told.  Of course, everyone is happy for me -- I think there's a law on the books somewhere that says you have to be -- but it has been an unexpected opportunity for people to share their stories.  There have been a lot of "when I was pregnant . . ." or "when my wife was pregnant".  And I am struck by how much people want to share.  It's not even that they want to share so much detail as much as they want to share in the rite of pregnancy and all of the rituals that go with it.  Like it's this joint adventure that people who come to this point in their lives get to go on together.

Very much like a club.  There are lots of secrets and tips and tricks and insider information that come with being a member of this club.  I wasn't entitled to any of this information before -- heck, I didn't even know there was a club or any of this information to be had.  Which is weird, right?  There was this whole facet of people's lives that I was totally in the dark about.  People I am close to and who don't keep secrets from me; and yet there was this big gaping hole in how I knew them and was able to connect with them.  On the one hand this is uncomfortable and a bit unsettling, and on the other hand I feel very embraced and secretly supported by this whole cadre of people who have gone before me. 

I feel like I have ascended the ranks now somehow, into this upper echelon of "cool kids" whose secret club is made all the more "cool" by simple virtue of its exclusivity.  Which is dumb.  Because MTV has stayed on the air for upwards of a decade by making shows about kids having kids, and any idiot who has survived puberty can make a baby.  So the club isn't really that hard to get into.  But the club of parenthood is privileged, and I am getting the sense that I don't even begin to appreciate the magnitude of that privilege yet. 






So I am thinking about the enormity of this privilege, and the funny camaraderie that is generated amongst members of this club, and how entirely odd the whole thought of a life growing inside of me is. . .

Namaste,
~Clare

Big News!

So I know I have been radio silent for a while . . . aren't I always apologizing for this . . . and I don't really have any good excuses, so I'm not going to try.  But I have big news now, and I am hopeful that this news and the new phase in my life is going to catapult me back into blogging (because I really do miss it at times!)

I'm pregnant!!

It feels weird to say out loud.  Like somehow just the act of declaring it to the open universe - even if there is no one listening - makes it more real . . . so more to come later.  But I need to embrace this next chapter with gusto and I am hopeful that blogging again is going to help with that.

Namaste,
~Clare

Ruining

A thought I haven't flushed out into a full post yet  . . . ..

So I have taken gone back to painting again recently and what I realized I like so much about my creative process with painting is that there is this arc of development of the painting itself, and at least with me, I feel like I have to "ruin" it in order to make it good.  I start out with an idea or a feeling of what I want the painting to convey, but inevitably in my efforts to achieve the intended result, something goes awry that just downright looks horrible.  I'm not being harsh, or negatively judging myself, but something always goes to the ugly by accident.  Then again, there is something about the process of things going bad, that actually make things beautiful.  I like that message in life -- that if you haven't had to pull yourself back from the ugly, you can't shine.  I think there is something magical about being able to teeter with the edge of ugly, broken, wrong, disastrous and then coming through to the other side.  It makes the result at the end so much more profound; so much richer.  Plus, I like the secret of knowing that history of the thing; the private awareness that it was ruined and almost was abandoned completely.  It's empowering to know you can revive something, but also in knowing that you have made meaningless the idea of ugly.  That you have taken away any power from your perceived failures, as you know in your heart, they are just a step to the beautiful end.

Anyway - that's just what I have been thinking about  . . .

Namaste,
~Clare 

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Saint Martin

I haven't blogged in over a year.  After I finished my 40 Days, left Virginia and left my yoga studio I lost my way a bit.  Blogging had made sense when there was a routine and purpose to it.  Rambling on without a schedule or end-game seemed more wasteful; less cathartic.  I moved to Minnesota, started a new job, tried to find a new life amidst the initial winter of 98 inches of snow, and I just lost touch a bit with my self.  I certainly lost touch with the version of my self that had escaped into the stratosphere of the internet.  And then - BAM - out of nowhere, I was Googled.  Unsuspectingly I was discovered. 

As the story goes, a coworker "outed" me and this blog.  This coworker had Googled me prior to my arrival to the Hotel in St. Martin and had found my blog posted out there in there in the ether that is the internet.  One night at dinner, he outed me in front of my boss' boss and an esteemed colleague. I found myself both horrified and proud.  Horrified that the reality of my blog had been discovered and that perhaps my silly musings were being read by others.  And proud that this coworker was so impressed by my writing enough to bring up the results of his Googling  in front of a group of people. 

It felt good.  I beamed for weeks at the thought that someone out there in the Universe had read my posts and appreciated them (at least someone who wasn't related to me).  And then I got to thinking -- why haven't I been blogging? Time -- there is never enough time, and it is an easy demon to blame.  I was working two jobs, and then trying to manage life as a new homeowner and wife, I had a dog . . . but it wasn't Time's fault - not really.  I could try to claim a lack of energy.  That life was simply too full and too draining to make room for anything other than what was on my plate.  But I would have to concede that the hours I have spent watching trashy TV and  stupid internet videos could have been spent otherwise.  No, I think the reason that I haven't been blogging is fear.  Fear that I no longer have a voice; fear that I no longer have an audience; fear that I have nothing interesting to say.  Fear that if I made time to blog no one would read it; fear that if they read my posts they wouldn't like them.  Somewhere along the way I let the fear of not being good enough prevent me from being good.

And then a funny thing happened while I was in St. Martin.  Someone who had no reason to Google me, no reason to read my blog and certainly no reason to remember it or bring it up in mixed company, brought it up and complimented me.  He effusively complimented me on my writing and my stories.  He praised me such that I was embarrassed and flustered, and even tongue tied in front of my coworkers.  He urged me to continue blogging and swore that one day I would write a memoir - he just knew it.  I was dumfounded; and it was inspiring. 

Is that weird to be inspired by someone who is talking about you and your work? Well I was.  I was emboldened and inspired by this coworker's excitement about me and what I have to say to the world.  I was deeply moved to have my writing, my story-telling, my honesty praised and admired.  He was excited about my unabashed willingness to bare so much of my soul online, and his genuine support and admiration gave me so much courage.

So I am going to try to be less timid, I am going to try to be less fearful, and I am going to try to speak out and say whatever I have to say -fearlessly and honestly.  And if someone is out there and Googles me - great!  And if not, this blog can continue to be my quiet musings to myself and the ether that is out there.

Namaste,
~Clare

Spring Cleaning

I don't know about everyone else, but I love this time of year.  The time when the flowers start to bloom, the weather is not freezing out all day, and when your internal clock tells you to wake up, get off the couch, and get back into life.  It is almost like a dethawing after a long winter, and suddenly, life feels exciting and vibrant again.  I feel like each year I get to these few weeks and am totally re-invigorated and motivated all over again.

Usually for me this means a combination of reclaiming my "grown-up" responsibilities and Spring Cleaning.  I think it all starts with the warm weather which makes me crave salads.  And then once I eat a salad or two I am all energized fromt he healthy food and get on a roll.  . . . Then, once you add in the sunshine, I am reminded of the fact that I am an adult and I need to do the dishes, change the laundry, and help with meals at least occasionally.  My wonderful husband picks up the slack all Winter, as I tend to hibernate on the couch, but by Springtime I am kicking my own butt to get back in gear to be a better roomate and homemaker.  Then, once I get on a roll with that, I want to redecorate and reorganize our living space, which usually means Spring Cleaning.  I find that once I start going I can't stop, which can be dangerous in and of itself, because I get on kicks where purging old stuff becomes like a drug -- I almost get high off of letting go of so much physical junk. 

Its this wonderful time of year when anything seems possible.  I can get back in shape, I can read more, I can be a better homemaker and wife, I can eat better, I can paint more . . . . its like once the Spring comes around there are so many more hours in the day!

Given all that is going on with my husband's and my respective jobs, I haven't full hit my "Spring is Here" stride but I am getting there.  Over Easter weekend we planted our little garden and used some of the last of our wedding registry money to buy cute table decorations for a fun Easter lunch with friends.  Last week, I managed to drag myself to a 6am yoga class when a friend of mine was teaching, and inspite of my preconceptions, found I love yoga that early!  I also went to a back-bending yoga workshop this past Sunday, which was very fun.  We also got a bread maker this weekend (at the suggestion of my friends from twodc.blogspot.com) and that has been great!  I don't think we will ever buy bread from the grocery store again.  My husband and I have started to purge out some junk from our little apartment, but have been doing it in small pieces.  As our apartment is up for sale, we have had untold number of strangers trapesing through at all hours of the day to view it, which doesn't lead easily towards deconstructing the entire closet!  (which makes me grumpy - but that's another post.) But it has lead to daily efforts to tidy up, do the dishes, make the bed etc., just so the place looks respectible.  Which is definitely progress in our household.  I even did some laundry on my own this weekend . . . .

Lastly, Spring has started off with some wonderful news -- The best man from our wedding recently got married to the most amazing girl.  We just found out this weekend and it couldn't make me any happier (I was literally giddy all day Friday from the neww!!)  We are so lucky to know each of them and to have them in our lives and are ecstatic that they have found each other.  I couldn't think of two people who deserved to find real love more. Congratulations!!

I hope the joy of Spring is finding each of you, and touching you in your hearts and in your homes.

Namaste,
Clare

I fell off the bandwagon . . .

So, I am a bad blogger.  Bad, bad blogger.  I am sorry.  I will put myself in the time out corner (want me to go now?).


Ok, so, basically a lot has happened in the last month, and between not knowing what to say and not knowing how I feel, I have been hiding.  (Side note:  My ostrich skills are really, really fine tuned these days!) I don't even know where to start. . . the long and the short of it is that Brad and I declared that we wanted major changes in our life and then the universe gave us major changes.  Its complicated and more than I care to get into (hence why I have been AWOL for a month) but basically we know that, in the long run, DC isn't the place for us.  So we are "making moves" to move to Minnesota. 

I have never been to a psychic before but a good friend's psychic made a prediction that she shared with me and it is kind of freaking me out -- in a good way.  The psychic made the prediction for the whole world, and she said that between November 2009 and August 2010 there would be major changes for everyone on the planet because the cardinal planets were aligned in this very special way that had never happened before.  I wish I had saved the email with the prediction, because in paraphrasing her prediction it of course sounds like a generic horoscope that could apply to anyone and is hookie and stupid, but basically she said the changes would involve people's jobs and the places they lived.  She mentioned in her prediction, for example, all of the earthquakes that have happened recently.  Anyway, I am failing at making it sound good - but it was - and I kind of tucked it away in the back of my mind, and then boom - all this stuff is happening.   The psychic said that major change this year was inevitable, and that those who resist the flow of change would suffer greatly while those who accept it and go with it would find new opportunities and tremendous success.  Like I said, I've never been to a psychic before, so this is not my usual source of wisdom.  But something in her words jumped out at me as the inevitable truth . . . and over the past few months, they seem to have manifested themselves in the lives of my friends and family and the world at large pretty accurately.  So maybe she really is psychic??

Anyway, psychic or not, I am not sure what life is bringing to me right now, and in spite of the anxiety that I normally have, I am really joyful about where I am and where I am going - giddy like a school girl to be more exact.  Lets face it, I just took a job with a big pay cut, Brad's job is up in the air, and our Landlord is most likely in foreclosure (oops, I guess that was pretty much a spoiler alert because I said earlier I couldn't handle talking about everything just two paragraphs ago) but despite all these unknowns I am stoked (I couldn't think of a less 1990's word - sorry) to plant my garden this weekend.  Its not just that I am living in the present so I am not worrying about the future . . . it feels more like because I have articulated where I want to go, I am finally able to get really pumped about the ride there.   Almost like, it's not just about knowing where you are going though . . . its about believing that you will get there. . .   I am not sure what caused a shift in my belief system, but something has shifted in me; and if feels like because I know my destination and I believe the journey will get me there, that possibilities are opening up to me.  I find myself more energetic in my heart that I have been since last October when I was doing the 40 Day Revolution.  Weird, right? 

In any case.  That's the nitty gritty on where we are -- where I am -- right now.  Again, my apologies for being MIA this past month.  What is going on with everyone? Has 2010 been a year of major change thus far for you as well?  Flood my inbox with scolding comments and emails if I go MIA like that again?

Namaste,
~Clare