Out of the Loop

My sister says I should just blog about whatever is on my mind of late - so I have this to share - because it is on my mind right now --  I am old!  I know I am not really old, if we are just going by calendar years I suppose.  But I am watching the Grammy's tonight and it is reminding me that I am no longer "in the loop."  I don't know half of the people who are up on stage either presenting or receiving awards, I don't know the songs, and I think that half of the clothing choices are "eccentric" at best.  Wow.  I don't know that I was ever "in the loop" - lets be honest I wasn't the most popular kid growing up - but I certainly feel out of it now.  I feel like a crazy old person because I want to say things like "this sounds like monkeys in a zoo" or "kids these days" which would be inappropriate, I know, but I still have this knee jerk reaction and want to say them.  I just don't know what's current anymore.  Case in point to demonstrate how out of things I am nowadays, this is the a gchat conversation that I had with my father-by-marriage (Chuck) tonight over the Zac Brown band's performance at the Grammy's:


me:   . . . Is this the "chicken song" btw? 
Chuck:  No it isn't.  I never heard this song.

me:  I like "toes in the water" better

Chuck:  Yes.  They did the same thing at the American Music Awards playing another song. . .

Now this is the chicken song!!

 me:  I've never heard it but I like it . . .

do you think he [the lead singer of the band] is cold and that's why he needs to wear a hat?

 Chuck:  The name is "Chicken Fried" and the toboggan knit hat is like a trademark of his.

 

He might have well said *snap* because a) its clear I barely know who the Zac Brown band is and only know one song of theirs, which is clearly not their most popular song and b) that I don't even know the signature look of this band.  This is the man that is the father of my husband.  I feel ashamed.  Like I should go stick my tail between my legs and run away because clearly, I have no grounds to stand on anymore.  And this is but one example . . . 

I know that much of my younger life was sheltered because I was raised in Europe or "with European values" (aka my parents were overly strict and protective), which explains why I've never seen an entire episode of "90210" or the fact that since I didn't have cable for much of my life why when people discuss "The Real World" my eyes just gloss over.  But come on now, folks, I am well into my mid-20's and listen to Satellite Radio and read People.com fairly regularly and watch the Captivate Network and whatnot.  I mean, I knew about OctoMom, and John and Kate Plus Disaster, and all of that type of nonsense.  So why is it that I am clearly so oblivious to all of these music stars and their music?  Someone remind me to blog more about this at a later date because for now its bedtime but I really am lacking here in my pop culture references . . . . In the meantime, I am going to huff off to bed aggravated that the Grammy's are presenting MJ's song in 3D -- who has 3D glasses in their home anyway?  Gah - is this another "cool" thing that I am out of the loop on??

 

A Lot of Thoughts

Apologies in advance for my delinquency in posting -- my office has been moving this past week and it has been a time consuming process!  I am the only "staff" member in the office that isn't a secretary, ergo I am the only "staff" member that didn't have a bunch of attorneys assigned to her whose offices I would have to clean up, pack up, and move out, ergo I volunteered/was put in charge of cleaning up, packing up, and moving out all of the common areas -- the copy center, the supply closet, and the kitchens.  I have spent the better part of an entire week on my feet - working 12-14 hour days some days -- needless to say my feet are sore and I am fairly exhausted.

In any case, the whole process is causing me to have mixed emotions.  I have been really busy with work but I have also been, honestly, hesitant to post, because I haven't really flushed through everything I am thinking.  So, because I have committed to being unfiltered and honest on this blog, I am just going to throw it all out there, and maybe I can continue to work through, aloud with you all, these sentiments. . .

-- I am proud of how I stepped up to the plate to offer to help get the office packed up.  I saw a need and the part of me that really believes in team spirit, without a second thought, stepped up to the plate to fill a need where one existed. I have been profusely thanked throughout the week for stepping up with the move, which at first confused me, because it was automatic to me.  I have been almost sad that people didn't expect as much from me (from everyone in the office?  hey, wait, why didn't they get more aggravated by people who left and went home early? why did they go home before the job was done . . . this lack of cooperation and group effort saddens me)

-- I have been encouraged by the skill set of mine that has emerged in this process.  My confidence has been reinvigorated by how good I am, and how happy I am, with project management.  I am a good worker bee; I am good at identifying others' skill sets; I am good at delegating tasks to people based on their skill set; I am organized; and first and foremost, I am a team player.  I have felt very disjointed and estranged from much of my office dynamics and many of my coworkers, despite the fact that I have been there for almost three years, and this past week or so has really reminded me how integral being a part of a team is to my success and happiness.  But this past week or so I have been genuinely proud of myself and what I can accomplish.  I have been proud of my attitude and my initiative and my work ethic. 

-- That being said, this process has reminded me that my current job situation is not necessarily the best fit for me.  Not to channel OJ too much, but the glove kinda sorta doesn't fir.  And while that lets me off the hook a bit, it is not totally clear one way or another what the next road is, or where my path is going.

--  So I don't know what this whole shift in me really means.  The word that I have been channeling over the last week or so is "priority."  I am not sure what my priorities are these days.  Are they family (kids perhaps?), are they finding a career, or at least a different job, are they finding a new place to live?  Is that place local or somewhere else?  Do I stay or do I go?   I feel like I really need to meditate some on what the priorities are in my life right now. 

-- "Shift happens" -- I saw that on a bumper sticker recently and really liked it.  Change is perhaps the only constant in life.  I don't know what changes are in store for me.  But all the purging and sorting of stuff in the anticipation of the move has both depressed and energized me.  I always find the actual process of moving a bit sad.  You realize the junk you have accumulated in your life.  You dig up memories - sometimes from better, happier places.  You realize the things that you did in your life that you are proud of, sometimes, perhaps, things you wish were still a part of your life.  It is, going through your hidden closets and corners is really the process of releasing old dreams.  There is satisfaction in letting go but it is not quite joy yet.  Sometimes though, moving is energizing.  There is untold potential in the new and unknown.  There are possibilities that have not even been thought of yet; dreams that are just beginning.  I have been osculating back and forth between these two extremes all week.  I am sad about where my career and job used to be and excited for the possibilities of my new opportunities in our new space.

-- I haven't been going to yoga, and while I know that my practice always helps me find emotional and mental clarity, I have been remarkably un-guilt ridden by lack of attendance lately.  I may not know what my "P"riorties are in life these days, but I am much more at peace with my daily decisions - whether they be sitting on the couch watching stupid TV, working long hours, or befriending the sometimes difficult Office Manager because she is the one who will let me single-handily organize the kitchen the way I want and have that project management role which is currently so invigorating to me.  I do however, want to pay attention to the involvement of my ego in my self worth . . . lets be honest, I do like feeling needed and important.  And I don't want my ego to get in the way of all this discovering of my true self. . . or maybe that is my true self?  Is that a possibility?

2010 is certainly shaping up to be an important year at least emotionally . . . I knew that starting the year with a blue moon was auspicious!!   I don't have very many answers yet, and I am still weeding through a certain mine-field of emotions, but things are shifting and changing and moving and shaking and I know that more is yet to come . . .

Namaste,
~Clare

Getting Into It

My Mom has a saying "if you can't get out of it, get into it" and that is exactly what I have been doing lately.  It may not be the healthiest for me but I have been embracing my recent bout of lethargy.  I figure if fighting it isn't making it go away maybe coddling it will.  Brad and I had a nice relaxing weekend.  We started some projects - laundry, picking up the house, putting up the Christmas decorations (yes, they are still up) - but mostly we did nothing.  We watched TV, rented a movie, and just spent time with each other.  It was nice and lazy - and I liked it.

It was all fine and good when I was doing the 40 Days to rely on the schedule that Baron set for me -- I was committed to this activity and it had a set duration and time -- but now that the 40 Days is over I have to find a schedule that works for me.  I don't want to use the word crutch, because that's not it, but the 40 days was a *insert a word not the word crutch here* for me because it was my reason for how I was going through each day.  It was the motivating force behind the scheduling of my day and my life - and now its gone and over and I have to find motivation from something else.

So I have decided that while embracing my passion for realty television is not spiritually very profound or particularly helpful to increasing my athletic abilities I am going to embrace it because it is, I believe, my swinging to the other side of the pendulum.  I am going from a crazy busy over-ambitious schedule  to an admittedly pathetically non-schedule schedule -- and in a funny way, I am getting to the point where I don't feel badly about it because I know that it means I am getting closer and closer to recognizing what a balanced center is.  So I am getting into all of these things that I have been beating myself up about for the last month about getting into it and maybe that will help me get out of this slump and into a better, more even-keeled place.

Ok, off to watch my TiVoed episode of the Biggest Loser :)

Namaste,
~Clare

Inertia

Funny thing about energy is that is that it's lot like money --  it takes energy to make energy, and no one ever has as much energy as they want. I have been feeling particularly inert this week.  Not wanting to really move off of the couch, despite the fact that there is nothing on TV to watch, I have come home from work the last two days utterly exhausted and wanting nothing more than the quiet respite of my bed.   

I never really know how to get over these period of inertia; they are part fatigue -- part apathy -- part something else I can't quite explain.  I am sure I could rest more, eat better, exercise more, etc. etc. but really, who has the energy to even try to be healthy, even if doing so would make you feel better?  This particular but of inertia I think is a direct result of the season and the Season, i.e. the Holidays and the winter.  Lets be honest, no matter how much I prepare for the Holidays, they are always an emotional whirlwind.  Whether it is the year end crunch at work, or family members stressing you out, or the packing to visit said family members, or the shopping and gift-exchanging with these family members . . . . (or friends - I suppose some people have friends that cause them stress.  Personally, if you are not related to me you do not get the privilege of making my stressed out.  Sorry!) . . . in any case it is emotionally draining and physically exhausting marathon of days between mid-November to mid-January.  Couple that with the fact that this Holiday season is always in the darkest part of Winter -- a time when one's body is already depleted of its much needed energizing Vitamin D -- and  you have my present state of inertia.    I feel otherwise lost adrift . . . displaced for my usual regimen and my calendar newly empty after weeks of planned events.  I think the boundlessness of everything is part of the problem -- if nothing urgently calls you in a particular direction, inertia keeps you where you are.

I suppose the holistic approach would be to honor that my body is taking time to decompress and reboot; to accept where I am and that I need some down time.  But every year I feel like I fight this phase, or I have the need to give lip service to the fight.  In my heart I want to fight it.  I want to spring into the New Year with vigor and stamina and conquer the world.   I do not like thinking that I need to emotionally recharge from a (truth be told) fairly painless Holiday.   I do not like falling asleep at 9pm.  And I mostly do not like that I can barely muster the strength to vent about such inertia on a blog post.  Truth be told though, this week I would rather sit in a blob of nothingness and watch a million episodes of "House Hunters" or some other rubbish on TV, while drifting in and out of consciousness, than pretty much anything else.  And I don't know if I buy it -- is this inertia really a "shutting down" from last year's overexertion, or is it a "rebooting" in an attempt to prepare for this year?  Or is that the same thing?  And is this whole mental exercise the kind of twisted logic and thinking that is sending my mind and body into a state where they are hiding under the proverbial rock?  Am I secretly hoping that if I act like an ostrich, and keep my head in the sand long enough, I will neither have to deal with the leftovers from last year, nor really have time to "prepare" for this year -- I will just have to run full steam ahead without forethought or preparation? 

I am not sure there is a point to this post.  It is more a confession out loud that I do not know where I will find the energy to get myself re-energized because this is certainly a phase that will have to pass eventually.  When, and where, will the energy come from to allow me to recommit in the New Year to all of the good things that I was doing in the old year; to brush off the cobwebs of my sleepy, sun-deprived mind and get back into work and life; and to wake up enough to enjoy the quietness of these remaining weeks of winter, before the frantic chaos of spring cleaning rolls around?  I do not know.

So, at least for night, I am surrendering to this inertia and am going to go see what's on TV.

Namaste,
~Clare

On There's No Place Like Home Post the Holidays

I know this is probably not a popular viewpoint, but I really dislike the Holidays.  Not all of the Holidays, I like the traditions, the good food, and (most of the time) the family.  But what I really don't like about the Holidays is how it throws off my schedule.  Now, not to sound too rigid, but I like my schedule.  I guess it makes me feel like there is some order and reason in an otherwise chaotic world.  Its not that I mind if my schedule changes even; I am not married to my regime on any particular day.  What I find stressful about the Holidays is the way in which for weeks before and weeks after Christmas and New Years life cannot easily return to "normal".  Now don't start lecturing me about how there is no such thing as 'normal' outside cycles on washing machines or what have you . . . I am simply saying that in preparation for the Holidays I spend my weekends shopping and prepping and packing, and after the Holidays I spend weekends trying to relax again and get over the fatigue.  Not to mention that the Holidays fall right in the middle of Winter which is already a tough season given the lack of sunlight, the cold, and the general sleepiness of society because really, lets face it, Mother Nature would really prefer that we all be inside sleeping and hibernating.  Here we are on January 10th and I am just beginning to shake my post-Holiday fatigue.

I think part of the fatigue, besides coming from all the shopping, wrapping, traveling, partying, eating, family-ing, and traveling home again, comes from the emotionality of the Holidays.  Every year I get better at managing my emotions, but every year I am struck by how my family and the "traditions" of the season can send me back into an emotional tailspin.  I find that while I am not necessarily spinning out of control - I am not going to necessarily end up on Springer (or Tyra I suppose for a more modern reference) for any of my behavior during the Holidays - I am also not nearly as composed during the Holidays as I am during the rest of the year.  Perhaps it is the influence of family that causes me to revert to past childish behaviors.  Or perhaps it is the expectations that our society puts on the act of gift giving, and the impossible expectations that we bestow to such an act.  In any case I always find myself drained, sad and exhausted.

I really want to like the Holidays.  It would, I suppose, be the more PC thing to do.  I suppose it would mean that I am really connecting to the spirit of the Holidays; that I was above the fray of any family drama; that I lived without expectations of gifts or illusions that my family could "really know" what I "really wanted".   But I just don't.  I begrudge the fact that I don't have any resolutions, that I am materialistic and want gifts, and that I let my family make me crazy.

And mostly I get aggravated because every year I get thrown out of my routine and I lose my sense of balance.  I lose my routine, my calm, and my rhythm.  Its silly I know.  But I have been MIA for the last few weeks because I feel like somehow my time is constantly evaporating as a direct result of the Holidays.  Its illogical.  But I want to regain my balance.  I want to regain my sense of control over my life.  I want to regain my peace and space.  I suppose these things shouldn't be so fleeting as to be able to be compromised by the chaos of the Holidays, but they have been.  I spent this weekend just vegging with Brad and it was great.  I was, as my brother says "a complete waste of oxygen" but it was nice.  Nice to somehow reconnect to each other and our priorities.  We didn't accomplish anything per say - except watching a ridiculous amount of TV - but it felt like we were slowly regaining our energy and our mojo to do whatever it was we wanted with our time and our emotions.  That we were getting back into our rhythm again  - and that was nice.